Saturday, November 7, 2009
i'm slacking
on my bloggging. sowwwy /: it's just cause i've beeen trying to focus on schoool, all i do is sleeep and i barely have a social life anymore >.< it's whateverrrr. eh, i'm actuallly gna go to sleeep now. zzzz
gauges
soo, i skipped a size & went to 10's instead of going to 12s & honestly, WORST MISTAKE. so i'm in the caaar with aric & andrea, being videotaped nonetheless and i'm thinking "oh, it's just a size, this will be cake" but oh nooooo. i started wailing, screaming and hitttting the seat lmao. aric loooked so embarrrasssed! plus, there was a car parking next to us, which heard alll my babynessss. & that was just the right ear. the left ear hurt just as bad and my face got wicked hot. a tear even came outtt :x but idc, i'm kinda glad now that i skipped a size. i'm thinking i should go from 6s to 2s next month buuut, idk! i'm hoping to get bigg by mid december or early january. hahah my mom already knows i gauged my ears, buut she doesn't know i want like double zero's. she's gna murder me x) oh welll, they're hot!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
why the hell
was makeup invented? i mean, okay when you put it on (the right way), i must admit the results are prettty . but to me, it just hides true beauty. for the people who wear pounds of makeup, i say you're kinda fake & you're hiding who you reallly are /:
i think everyone's beautiful in their own way, no lie. you don't need acne causing, greasy makeup to make yourself look more dazzling in society's view
i think everyone's beautiful in their own way, no lie. you don't need acne causing, greasy makeup to make yourself look more dazzling in society's view
"everything happens for a reason"
do any of you guys agree with that quote?
i mean, i used to be such a believer in fate and all that mumbo jumbo.
but lately, i'm not so sure.
lately, the things that have been happpening, have been shitty & the reasons were to show me the negetives about people & life.
i'm going to give my 2 examples of that quote.
1) it was a lame tuesday afternooon, in 7th grade. i was walking to my house with daniris, from east middle. i still lived in vernon at that time. there's 2 different paths we can take to go home: one, we go left and down 2 hills. the other: we go strr8 down, take a left & go down a hilll. to me, the first path is the route i ALWAYS took to go home, wether i was alone or with someone, but for some apparant reason, i decided i wanted to take the different route home. it was during the winter time, so idk wtf i was thinking. we saw this cute boy, sitting outside on what it seemed to be his steps. when we walked past him, i yelled out "YOU'RE CUTE!" & like the little girls we were, we giggled and continued walking. to my suprise, the boy yelled back "WTF DID YOU SAY?!" i ran. no lie. daniris fucking put me on the spot and told me to stop. even though i pouted and my face was boiling hot, i turned around. he introduced himself to me & i did too. we shook hands & all that jazzz. i lied about my age for some reason, not knowing he was only a year older than me. when we went to my house, we gushed about it for the whole day. the next day, i decided to walk down that same path again, friendless and anxious. he was there, same spot & all. i decided not to say hi or anything, just to see if he'd remember. he did - we exchanged numbers and he told me he'd be callling me when i got home. i didn't believe him for shit, i mean i had the worst self-esteem ever, i wasn't pretty, skinny or the brightest bulb in the lamp, but my lame ass "beach" ringtone set off. "Dante" was calling. After that day, Dante Lanusse would become an important part of my life.
we talked for hours that day. about what our career goals were, family, friends, schoool, backround, intrests, music, movies, politics. i learned everything about him that day. & after that, we talked on the phone 24/7. he told me he liked me - i returned those feelings as welll. Daniris & I went to his house one day. we played Truth Or Dare. we had our first kiss that day & for some reason after that kiss that should've sealed the deal with a bump up in our friendship, we never pursued eachother. we honestly became bestfriends. he was my first, true, real guy friend. someone who i could talk about my cramps to & he understoood that when i was on my period, i was not to be fucked with. someone who stood up to my dad one day when he banned us from speaking. someone who gave me his jacket when it was 20 degree weather outside and didn't mind that all he had under that was a white wife-beater. Dante & I were like PB&J. I knew the real him. Not the gangster "sup nigga, whats hood" persona everyone else saw. i saw the goofy, celebrity impersonating, Green Day listening Dante, who had the geekiest laugh and we would shoot eachother with BB guns and wrestle on his bed. The one who would make baby noises whenever his puppy Princess was around. That was the Dante i knew, loved & cherished. I introduced him to Andrea that same year. they dated, & that's when everything got complicated. Not because of Andrea, but because they were going into high school, my 8th grade sucked in the beginnning. Dante & I were fighting constantly over the stupidest things. our real fight happened at andrea's house. i was taking a shower & he barged in. he didn't see anything, but my privacy was invaded and i felt extremely offended. he begged for my forgiveness and i wouldn't budge. a couple fights after that & our friendship was done. he'd bash me over myspace, putting my secrets on the spot for everyone to see. he didn't even consider me as someone he knew after that. i tried apologizing and he shunned me. I felt like i just lost a part of me. someone who knew me, inside & out. someone who i considered my brother. my mentor. someone who would give me advice on boys & life. someone who i cared about so much, and he forgot about it in a second.
It's been about 3 years now. i tried talking to him in the past year. Same old rudeness, pretending like i never existed. He has a girlfriend now, lives in Oxford and has a new life, pretty much. You may read this, call me pathetic for writing about a boy who doesn't give a shit about me anymore. but he wasn't just 'a boy'. he was my bestfriend. i still think about him all the time. & yes, i'll admit, i still miss him.
2) my 8th grade year was so fucked in a matter of 2 months. I was fighting with my bestfriend, everyone hated her but i didn't. I missed her more than anything. I had to choose between popularity & knowing what's right. Daniris Pacheco was my bestfriend & i didn't give 2 shits about everyone else's opinions. When we became friends again, I was just as hated. All we had was eachother. I started slacking in school, even skipping school & classes. My dad couldn't take it anymore. I had more anxiety attacks than ever in school and my emotions were filled with rage. He thought going to Sullivan would suit me better. I'll never forget going into Daniris's class, seeing her smiling face to see me & going from a grin to teared eyes, seeing the green slip in my hands. I tried so hard not to cry. It took all that i had in me to not have my voice squeak or to just break down , on my knees & cry. i did anyways though. He drove me to Sullivan that same day. I went to Sullivan the previous year, but i really wanted to finish my 8th Grade year with my bestfriend, but that wasn't going to happen. They put me in DaVinci Academy, a different academy than from last year. I only knew one person & that was Tiara. I sat in the front row seat, alone when suddenly, the door opened. & I couldn't breathe. He was perfect.
Brown beautiful skin, glowing light brown eyes, just a beautiful face in general. then i realized "i knew this kid" & then Mr. Williams brought me back to 3rd grade.
"How come you're so late, Jessi?".
i didn't even listen to his response. Jessi. Jessi Martinez. 3rd grade Jessi who kicked me in the stomach, & called me stupid. I remember.
I went home thinking of nothing but him.
The next week in school, i built up the courage to talk to him. I felt like a creep. I told him i remembered him from Grafton St School and that i remember him kicking the shit outta me during recess, and naming everything i knew about him - only to his response:
"uhh, i don't remember you.."
OUCH.
i didn't try speaking to him after that. Thankfully, he didn't think i was creepy, or that's what i hoped. We spoke alot more during schoool. We got pretty close, worked in partners for Social Studies, sat next to eachother, & there wasn't a day where i didn't talk to him. I'll never forget the first time i ever callled him. Jose was supposed to talk too, but i ended up sounding stupid saying "hey Jessi! Jose's on the phone. er.. Jose? Jose?" - he hung up. I didn't even want to go to school the next day. The first time we hung out, 5.5.07 - it was with Daniris, Christian & Mike. We played some hardcore basketballl and i totally mopped him. hehe. We also hungout on the last day of school. We walked halfway home together with other people, & stopped at BK. Graduation Day, i bawled my eyes out, because i knew there was a chance i wasn't going to see him during the summertime, but i did. I saw him @ Vernon Pool with his gang. I made a fool of both of us when i ran up to him, and hugged the crap outta him. For 9th grade, i decided to go to North & for a stupid reason. I was talking to some boy during the summertime, & he went (& still goes) to North. It wasn't even in my district. That year, i went over Jessi's house, almost every weekend with the old crew from 8th Grade. Wether it was on his birthday, blackstone, the chinese buffet - i hungout with him anyway i could. Downfall though : he had a girlfriend. Of 2 years, who i actually became good friends with that year. The next year, i lost contact with him. Things changed. I stopped being friends with his girlfriend, eventually hating her, attempted to fight her & losing his respect. We hungout again in the beginning of Sophomore year. I told him, i was going to visit him every Wednesday, & i kept that promise. For about 3 months. Then my feelings became out of control. I realized, i was in love with this kid. I loved his smile, his eyes, his charm, his goofiness, his seriousness & sarcasm, the relationship he had with his mom that made me gush over him even more, & the fact that he was completely opposite and different from me. I decided, on New Years Day, that i was going to tell him how i felt. & i did. i didn't get a response for about 2 minutes. the emotions running thru my head were unexplainable. He finally responded & not in the way that i hoped, but he ended his rejecting statement with an "i'm sorry". there wasn't anything i could say. i signed off. i didn't talk to him for a month, until i saw him at Blackstone, with his girlfriend nonetheless. we stared at eachother, without saying a word or going up to eachother. it made me very upset because just exactly a month ago, if i were to see him under those same circumstances without me telling him how i felt, we would've hugged and talked. but that was over. i wrote to him on MySpace, goood ol' MySpace, how hurt he made me feel. As always, he responded "idk how to feel" blahblahblah. he knew wtf he was feeling, but i suppose he didn't wanna hurt the tiny feelings i had left. We tried being friends the whole year after that. It worked for a while, i must admit. But it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. I knew in my heart, i didn't want him as my friend. I wanted to be with him, no matter what. I loved him & i didn't care what the fuck his girlfriend thought about it. I pretty much made it clear, to everyone , that Jessi Martinez had my heart. She didn't like that very much & we got into countless arguements over it. the last time i ever hungout with him, we were in his bathroom, & i told him "I am in love with you". he was texting, didn't even look up at me till' he realized i was crying. he told me what all boys who feel pity say "you're going to find someone better than me ; i already found the love of my life; i don't love you, not in that way" i cried soem more. i even cried on his shoulder. i felt like an idiot
Me: "but you're amazing and i don't want anyone else. i want you!"
i wish someone had shooken me & said "get the fuck over it. you can't make him love you", which is wat i realize now. During the summertime, i wrote him - stating we couldn't be friends for a while, until i learned to get over him. i deleted him off MySpace, blocked his AIM, deleted our pictures and his number. I had to do it. Cold Turkey. It's been 7 months since i've seen him or spoken to him.
these 2 people and experiences, have changed me completely. I never had a guy bestfriend who i didn't compare to Dante. I have not loved anyone else since Jessi. I still think about them. i think about our good memories, talks & just how amazing i thought of them. I can't say i am still in love with Jessi, but i can't say i've forgotten about him. Maybe i don't have feelings for him anymore, but i still miss him. i miss our friendship. i miss his comfort us playing Rock Band, eating gross food till' one of us puked, i miss us fighting & playing tag outside during the springtime. i miss all of him.
sometimes i think, "what would my life be like if i took the original path home? if i didn't have a loud mouth and said Dante was cute? If i didn't walk back up & just kept running? If i never answered the phone or took that path ever again. How would i be?
i also ponder, "what would've happened if i begged to stay at East Middle? If i had asked to go to another school? If i never talked to the kid who influenced my decision to go to North in the first place? If i had went to South, and had class with him, would it change? & the big question: What about me telling Jessi how i felt. What if i told him in 8th grade, or not even at all? would i have eventually found someone else who returned my feelings?
as much as i can ask these questions, it doesn't matter. Eveyone wishes there was a time machine that exists. that we can have our own little genie, who grants us 3 wishes & erases our mistakes. We all wish we could have a remote, like a Click-like life, and we can rewind the best memories of our lives, fast foward all the heartbreaks and lonliness we'd end up feeling, pause whenever we're faced with a tough situation, and just stop the tape completely when we don't eanna deal with anything anymore.
my theory is this: Fate is real. Chance is also a huge factor. We take the card we're dealt with and we deal with it & make the most of it. But things do happen for a reason. Regardless if that reason sucks or is awesome, it benefits us in someway. It molds us, shapes up, & toughens us up for the bigger picture and realities that we're going to face in the future. all the rejections, heartbreaks, confusions, hope, happiness, emptiness, & hardships we go through during adolescence, we'll come out smiling & feeling empowered, because hey, it might be the hardest years of our lives, but as we grow older and look back on it, & all the choices we've made: we'll just laugh, pretty much. or in my case, laugh and cry :)
i mean, i used to be such a believer in fate and all that mumbo jumbo.
but lately, i'm not so sure.
lately, the things that have been happpening, have been shitty & the reasons were to show me the negetives about people & life.
i'm going to give my 2 examples of that quote.
1) it was a lame tuesday afternooon, in 7th grade. i was walking to my house with daniris, from east middle. i still lived in vernon at that time. there's 2 different paths we can take to go home: one, we go left and down 2 hills. the other: we go strr8 down, take a left & go down a hilll. to me, the first path is the route i ALWAYS took to go home, wether i was alone or with someone, but for some apparant reason, i decided i wanted to take the different route home. it was during the winter time, so idk wtf i was thinking. we saw this cute boy, sitting outside on what it seemed to be his steps. when we walked past him, i yelled out "YOU'RE CUTE!" & like the little girls we were, we giggled and continued walking. to my suprise, the boy yelled back "WTF DID YOU SAY?!" i ran. no lie. daniris fucking put me on the spot and told me to stop. even though i pouted and my face was boiling hot, i turned around. he introduced himself to me & i did too. we shook hands & all that jazzz. i lied about my age for some reason, not knowing he was only a year older than me. when we went to my house, we gushed about it for the whole day. the next day, i decided to walk down that same path again, friendless and anxious. he was there, same spot & all. i decided not to say hi or anything, just to see if he'd remember. he did - we exchanged numbers and he told me he'd be callling me when i got home. i didn't believe him for shit, i mean i had the worst self-esteem ever, i wasn't pretty, skinny or the brightest bulb in the lamp, but my lame ass "beach" ringtone set off. "Dante" was calling. After that day, Dante Lanusse would become an important part of my life.
we talked for hours that day. about what our career goals were, family, friends, schoool, backround, intrests, music, movies, politics. i learned everything about him that day. & after that, we talked on the phone 24/7. he told me he liked me - i returned those feelings as welll. Daniris & I went to his house one day. we played Truth Or Dare. we had our first kiss that day & for some reason after that kiss that should've sealed the deal with a bump up in our friendship, we never pursued eachother. we honestly became bestfriends. he was my first, true, real guy friend. someone who i could talk about my cramps to & he understoood that when i was on my period, i was not to be fucked with. someone who stood up to my dad one day when he banned us from speaking. someone who gave me his jacket when it was 20 degree weather outside and didn't mind that all he had under that was a white wife-beater. Dante & I were like PB&J. I knew the real him. Not the gangster "sup nigga, whats hood" persona everyone else saw. i saw the goofy, celebrity impersonating, Green Day listening Dante, who had the geekiest laugh and we would shoot eachother with BB guns and wrestle on his bed. The one who would make baby noises whenever his puppy Princess was around. That was the Dante i knew, loved & cherished. I introduced him to Andrea that same year. they dated, & that's when everything got complicated. Not because of Andrea, but because they were going into high school, my 8th grade sucked in the beginnning. Dante & I were fighting constantly over the stupidest things. our real fight happened at andrea's house. i was taking a shower & he barged in. he didn't see anything, but my privacy was invaded and i felt extremely offended. he begged for my forgiveness and i wouldn't budge. a couple fights after that & our friendship was done. he'd bash me over myspace, putting my secrets on the spot for everyone to see. he didn't even consider me as someone he knew after that. i tried apologizing and he shunned me. I felt like i just lost a part of me. someone who knew me, inside & out. someone who i considered my brother. my mentor. someone who would give me advice on boys & life. someone who i cared about so much, and he forgot about it in a second.
It's been about 3 years now. i tried talking to him in the past year. Same old rudeness, pretending like i never existed. He has a girlfriend now, lives in Oxford and has a new life, pretty much. You may read this, call me pathetic for writing about a boy who doesn't give a shit about me anymore. but he wasn't just 'a boy'. he was my bestfriend. i still think about him all the time. & yes, i'll admit, i still miss him.
2) my 8th grade year was so fucked in a matter of 2 months. I was fighting with my bestfriend, everyone hated her but i didn't. I missed her more than anything. I had to choose between popularity & knowing what's right. Daniris Pacheco was my bestfriend & i didn't give 2 shits about everyone else's opinions. When we became friends again, I was just as hated. All we had was eachother. I started slacking in school, even skipping school & classes. My dad couldn't take it anymore. I had more anxiety attacks than ever in school and my emotions were filled with rage. He thought going to Sullivan would suit me better. I'll never forget going into Daniris's class, seeing her smiling face to see me & going from a grin to teared eyes, seeing the green slip in my hands. I tried so hard not to cry. It took all that i had in me to not have my voice squeak or to just break down , on my knees & cry. i did anyways though. He drove me to Sullivan that same day. I went to Sullivan the previous year, but i really wanted to finish my 8th Grade year with my bestfriend, but that wasn't going to happen. They put me in DaVinci Academy, a different academy than from last year. I only knew one person & that was Tiara. I sat in the front row seat, alone when suddenly, the door opened. & I couldn't breathe. He was perfect.
Brown beautiful skin, glowing light brown eyes, just a beautiful face in general. then i realized "i knew this kid" & then Mr. Williams brought me back to 3rd grade.
"How come you're so late, Jessi?".
i didn't even listen to his response. Jessi. Jessi Martinez. 3rd grade Jessi who kicked me in the stomach, & called me stupid. I remember.
I went home thinking of nothing but him.
The next week in school, i built up the courage to talk to him. I felt like a creep. I told him i remembered him from Grafton St School and that i remember him kicking the shit outta me during recess, and naming everything i knew about him - only to his response:
"uhh, i don't remember you.."
OUCH.
i didn't try speaking to him after that. Thankfully, he didn't think i was creepy, or that's what i hoped. We spoke alot more during schoool. We got pretty close, worked in partners for Social Studies, sat next to eachother, & there wasn't a day where i didn't talk to him. I'll never forget the first time i ever callled him. Jose was supposed to talk too, but i ended up sounding stupid saying "hey Jessi! Jose's on the phone. er.. Jose? Jose?" - he hung up. I didn't even want to go to school the next day. The first time we hung out, 5.5.07 - it was with Daniris, Christian & Mike. We played some hardcore basketballl and i totally mopped him. hehe. We also hungout on the last day of school. We walked halfway home together with other people, & stopped at BK. Graduation Day, i bawled my eyes out, because i knew there was a chance i wasn't going to see him during the summertime, but i did. I saw him @ Vernon Pool with his gang. I made a fool of both of us when i ran up to him, and hugged the crap outta him. For 9th grade, i decided to go to North & for a stupid reason. I was talking to some boy during the summertime, & he went (& still goes) to North. It wasn't even in my district. That year, i went over Jessi's house, almost every weekend with the old crew from 8th Grade. Wether it was on his birthday, blackstone, the chinese buffet - i hungout with him anyway i could. Downfall though : he had a girlfriend. Of 2 years, who i actually became good friends with that year. The next year, i lost contact with him. Things changed. I stopped being friends with his girlfriend, eventually hating her, attempted to fight her & losing his respect. We hungout again in the beginning of Sophomore year. I told him, i was going to visit him every Wednesday, & i kept that promise. For about 3 months. Then my feelings became out of control. I realized, i was in love with this kid. I loved his smile, his eyes, his charm, his goofiness, his seriousness & sarcasm, the relationship he had with his mom that made me gush over him even more, & the fact that he was completely opposite and different from me. I decided, on New Years Day, that i was going to tell him how i felt. & i did. i didn't get a response for about 2 minutes. the emotions running thru my head were unexplainable. He finally responded & not in the way that i hoped, but he ended his rejecting statement with an "i'm sorry". there wasn't anything i could say. i signed off. i didn't talk to him for a month, until i saw him at Blackstone, with his girlfriend nonetheless. we stared at eachother, without saying a word or going up to eachother. it made me very upset because just exactly a month ago, if i were to see him under those same circumstances without me telling him how i felt, we would've hugged and talked. but that was over. i wrote to him on MySpace, goood ol' MySpace, how hurt he made me feel. As always, he responded "idk how to feel" blahblahblah. he knew wtf he was feeling, but i suppose he didn't wanna hurt the tiny feelings i had left. We tried being friends the whole year after that. It worked for a while, i must admit. But it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. I knew in my heart, i didn't want him as my friend. I wanted to be with him, no matter what. I loved him & i didn't care what the fuck his girlfriend thought about it. I pretty much made it clear, to everyone , that Jessi Martinez had my heart. She didn't like that very much & we got into countless arguements over it. the last time i ever hungout with him, we were in his bathroom, & i told him "I am in love with you". he was texting, didn't even look up at me till' he realized i was crying. he told me what all boys who feel pity say "you're going to find someone better than me ; i already found the love of my life; i don't love you, not in that way" i cried soem more. i even cried on his shoulder. i felt like an idiot
Me: "but you're amazing and i don't want anyone else. i want you!"
i wish someone had shooken me & said "get the fuck over it. you can't make him love you", which is wat i realize now. During the summertime, i wrote him - stating we couldn't be friends for a while, until i learned to get over him. i deleted him off MySpace, blocked his AIM, deleted our pictures and his number. I had to do it. Cold Turkey. It's been 7 months since i've seen him or spoken to him.
these 2 people and experiences, have changed me completely. I never had a guy bestfriend who i didn't compare to Dante. I have not loved anyone else since Jessi. I still think about them. i think about our good memories, talks & just how amazing i thought of them. I can't say i am still in love with Jessi, but i can't say i've forgotten about him. Maybe i don't have feelings for him anymore, but i still miss him. i miss our friendship. i miss his comfort us playing Rock Band, eating gross food till' one of us puked, i miss us fighting & playing tag outside during the springtime. i miss all of him.
sometimes i think, "what would my life be like if i took the original path home? if i didn't have a loud mouth and said Dante was cute? If i didn't walk back up & just kept running? If i never answered the phone or took that path ever again. How would i be?
i also ponder, "what would've happened if i begged to stay at East Middle? If i had asked to go to another school? If i never talked to the kid who influenced my decision to go to North in the first place? If i had went to South, and had class with him, would it change? & the big question: What about me telling Jessi how i felt. What if i told him in 8th grade, or not even at all? would i have eventually found someone else who returned my feelings?
as much as i can ask these questions, it doesn't matter. Eveyone wishes there was a time machine that exists. that we can have our own little genie, who grants us 3 wishes & erases our mistakes. We all wish we could have a remote, like a Click-like life, and we can rewind the best memories of our lives, fast foward all the heartbreaks and lonliness we'd end up feeling, pause whenever we're faced with a tough situation, and just stop the tape completely when we don't eanna deal with anything anymore.
my theory is this: Fate is real. Chance is also a huge factor. We take the card we're dealt with and we deal with it & make the most of it. But things do happen for a reason. Regardless if that reason sucks or is awesome, it benefits us in someway. It molds us, shapes up, & toughens us up for the bigger picture and realities that we're going to face in the future. all the rejections, heartbreaks, confusions, hope, happiness, emptiness, & hardships we go through during adolescence, we'll come out smiling & feeling empowered, because hey, it might be the hardest years of our lives, but as we grow older and look back on it, & all the choices we've made: we'll just laugh, pretty much. or in my case, laugh and cry :)
it's
the first day of November.
i'm spending it at the mallll with Andrea,regauging her ears & moving up a size on mines.
chyeaah bruh.
oh & i guesss it's like daylight savings time or whateverrr?
ugh.
& now i'm talking on the phone with joseee. he always knows how to make me feeel less shittty.
i'm spending it at the mallll with Andrea,regauging her ears & moving up a size on mines.
chyeaah bruh.
oh & i guesss it's like daylight savings time or whateverrr?
ugh.
& now i'm talking on the phone with joseee. he always knows how to make me feeel less shittty.
hallloweeeeeen
was horrrrible.
next halloweeen, immma be whipppin' it with people i actually wanna hangout with. & i'm not getting ditched for shit. just, me andrea & coool cats. yuuup
next halloweeen, immma be whipppin' it with people i actually wanna hangout with. & i'm not getting ditched for shit. just, me andrea & coool cats. yuuup
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